70: Valley Commandos

Your mission, should you choose to accept, is to join the Valley Commandos at RAF St Athan on Friday night.

Assemble at Treforest bus station, stand B, 1830 hours. The minibus might be a bit late, if the rugby team using it before need to scrub out too much blood. We suggest you bring a Tesco bag to sit on, in case the seats are still wet.

New recruits always ask about alcohol. The rule is absolute. Spirits are preferred and everyone brings their own rations. No stealing, no mixing, no throwing bottles at each other. You could try drinking before you arrive. The journey takes 30 minutes so 2 bottles of wine or a fifth of vodka should suffice.

Your kitbag should contain the following:

Lippy – bright red, down to a nub, Collection 2000 or Superdrug if you’re posh.

Perfume – you will get sweaty during the night and you may wish to cover up the evidence of this.

Breath mints – all commandos need these.

Condoms – we’re modern girls and don’t rely on the guys for these. Suggest you bring 2 boxes.

Money – chips money is enough and we will drive up Caroline Street on the way home. You wouldn’t expect to buy your own drinks.

Knickers – optional, but it can get chilly north of Pontypridd. These can be left on the minibus for later.

Music off and lights up is 0100 hours sharp, so we leave for home no later than 0300. No hostages may be taken on the minibus and if you miss departure, you will need to find your own way home or book to come home with us after Saturday’s trip – 0300 Sunday morning.

We hope you will enjoy your first sortie and we wish all new recruits safe manoeuvres.