311: Now I’m Here

You wanted me here, you said that all along.  You said no matter how hard it got, you could cope and you would work at it.  You must have known it would be hard.  Very hard.  Didn’t you?  All those chats with your girlfriends late into the night, sharing your hopes and planning for the future and asking for advice.  You kept me awake many times.  Probably noticed me wriggling then, sorry.

So now that I’m here, why is it such a bad thing?  Don’t I live up to what you hoped for?  It’ll get better, I promise, when I learn.  It’s hard to settle in a new place.  Everything is so loud and so bright and so alien.  I get upset sometimes and maybe I let it show too much.  I need you to not give up on me.  We can get each other through this.

I like those things you do for me, that stroking my head and when you hold me hand.  I feel safe with you, safe and calm.  Sometimes I get scared when I wake up and it’s dark and I don’t know where you are.  I like to know you’re right next to me.  Your heartbeat is soothing, even the sound of your voice is.  It helps me drift back to sleep.

Maybe Nanny can help for a while so you can get some sleep.  She holds me firmly and I never feel like she will drop me.  I know she will look after me for you.  We’ll all be ok together, all three of us.