So you’re telling me that you and your dog urinated on a man laying on the floor, a man you knew to be homeless and frequently under the influence of drink? And you expect me to believe that the injuries he suffered in a brutal and sustained attack, including four broken ribs, a fractured skull, a punctured lung, severe bruising and numerous lacerations, were nothing to do with you? You happened upon him and assumed he was asleep and thought it would be funny to urinate on him?
Strange what passes for humour in some places. Where I’m from we think that kind of behaviour is vile. Disgusting. Not something to be doing to while away a bored youth. It’s going to be a long journey for you, son.
So can you offer any evidence it wasn’t you that also assaulted him? Besides the size of your feet and the lack of teeth marks from that mutt of yours. Witnesses maybe? Someone who saw you just urinate on him? Or who saw who really did it, if it wasn’t you? Or who can confirm you were with them at the time of the attack? Thought not.
Well, you’re in luck because that section of the estate is covered by CCTV cameras. There’s been so much trouble there that the council put them up a few weeks back. So that will either show you didn’t do it, or that you did. It’ll definitely show you pissing on him though, won’t it. It’ll show whether you just found him there and decided to do it on the spur of the moment, like you claim. Or maybe you’ve done it before and knew where you might find him?
So what I’m going to do is stick you in the cells for a while, just while I do some checking. It might take a while, what with all that to look at. It stinks in there a bit, sorry. We had some drunk guy in there earlier and he threw up then wet himself. We meant to clean up properly but we’ve just been stuck with this investigation. You know how it is. But it’ll smell familiar to you so I’m sure you won’t mind.
Oh yeah, and he might be after you for a few quid for a new coat. The old one is ruined thanks to you. He’ll probably talk to a brief once he’s feeling better. Look out for that letter, now won’t you. And you might want to get someone to read it to you if the words are too hard.