Saturday 13 April 2013

348: Pissing Off a Fairy


When the King and Queen of Garvinia forgot to invite the Thirteenth fairy to the christening of their baby daughter, they were expecting her to turn up anyway and curse her in some way.  Norma had learnt a lesson or two from bad fairies of olden times and waited until all twelve other fairies had bestowed their gifts on Princess Flora before she stepped out from behind the curtain that hid her from view.


As one, the royal court groaned.  Norma wished her mother had given her a decent name like Griselda or Ursula, instead of naming her after her favourite dinner lady.  Nobody really took Norma seriously and their contempt showed.  But with this single action, Norma would show them.


“You left me out on purpose, didn’t you?” she said, pointing at the Queen.  “You don’t like me much and you’re not scared of me, so you thought even if I came I could do no real damage.  Well, all your pretty little fairies have already given their gifts so nobody can undo my gift.  Your daughter might be clever but she will only speak whilst chewing gum.  She might be graceful but she’ll fight anyone who looks at her for more than three seconds.  She might be able to dance but it will always be to the pounding sound of drum and bass.”


“I don’t understand,” said the King.  “What have you done to her?”  He had rather hoped Flora would marry well, rule over a vast kingdom with her handsome husband and he could become legendary for doing something fantastic in that huge land.  Although he had yet to decide on what he might actually do, he could see the legend crumbling before his eyes.


“Well I’ve made sure her enquiring mind will only ever desire to learn about celebrity gossip and tabloid stories.  She may be stylish but her wardrobe will always be full of man-made fibres and street clothes.  Her beauty will remain but she will hide it behind false eyelashes, rollered-on fake tan and a Chelsea facelift.”


The look on the royal faces told Norma she had won.  The Queen said, “You mean you...”


“Yes,” said Norma.  “I have cursed your daughter with a love of fakery, shallowness and reality TV.  Your daughter may be Princess of Garvinia but she will be the Queen of Chavs.”

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